


I don't want to be a monster

by astraeanyx



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, BokuAka Week, BokuAka Week 2020, Goodbyes, M/M, One Shot, Songfic, Supernatural Elements, made myself cry with this one, never thought I'd write angst for them but here we are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25769506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/astraeanyx/pseuds/astraeanyx
Summary: My take on Monster by Henry.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Kudos: 11
Collections: BokuAka Week





	I don't want to be a monster

**Author's Note:**

> I would obviously recommend listening to the song while reading for a better experience!

Bokuto sits on the bench, the coolness of the wood against him makes him shiver a little. He looks up to find the sky looking especially bedazzled tonight. Didn’t they say it was going to rain tonight? Bokuto lets the thought go, it’s not that he’s complaining. They reflect against the clear water of the pond that lies in front of him. The stars shine so bright that it seems like the plants that surround the pool seem to be basking blissfully in that light too. 

“You’re early today,” a familiar voice speaks from behind him. 

Bokuto doesn’t even have to look at the source of that voice to recognize its owner. Akaashi.

That voice that sounded exactly like what his eyes behold. The calming sky and the clear water. Maybe it didn’t make sense to others but it did to Bokuto. 

“I’m always early, you’re the one who’s late.” Bokuto playfully blames.

Akaashi sits in the empty space on the bench, right next to Bokuto. 

“How is it that you look cuter from the last time I saw you?” Akaashi says in a voice that’s filled with nothing but absolute adoration. It may seem like he’s joking around but Bokuto knows how much meaning they hold. He knows because that’s the same tone he uses to compliment Akaashi. 

“Must be the make-up,” Bokuto plays along, it makes Akaashi grin too.

A cool breeze brushes past them and this time Bokuto can’t hide the little shudder that runs through his body. “Are you cold? Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” 

“If I did, then what would my excuse be to get you to hug me?”

Akaashi giggles and all Bokuto can do is stare. A sound so angelic that he momentarily forgets to breathe. No matter how many times he’s heard it, it never ceased to mesmerize him. 

Akaashi scoots closer and wraps his arms around Bokuto. While one would expect to feel warmer within the embrace of another, Bokuto feels quite the opposite but it’s okay, he tells himself. It’s Akaashi, he’s always cold. It’s okay because nothing can subdue the warmth he feels in his chest. It’s enough for the both of them.

With Akaash’s arms wrapped around Bokuto’s torso, he lays his head on Bokuto’s chest. “You know,” Akaashi says, “People say I’ve been leading you on, all for nothing.”

Bokuto slightly shifts under Akaashi, “Who says that?”

“Just people. Everyone, really.”

“I don’t care what they think, though.” Bokuto says indignantly.

“But what if they’re right?” 

Bokuto moves, making Akaashi lift his head off him. He looks at Akaashi incredulously, “Where is this coming from?” 

“It’s coming from me, Kou. I feel like the bad guy, dragging you along, stopping you from-”

“Stop. Keiji, you have no reason to feel guilty, okay? I’m a grown man, I can make my own decisions.”

“But can you make the right ones?”

Bokuto looks at Akaashi as if he’s been slapped. A few moments later he regains his composure, “Can we not do this now?”

“If not now, then-”

“Please, Keiji.” He says with his voice heavy. It wasn’t a counter argument, it was a request. A sorrowful one. 

Bokuto settles back into their previous position, holding his arms open to allow Akaashi to hold him again.

Akaashi has always been selfish - he had wanted too much, promised too much. In the end, none of it mattered though. He only ended up being a liar, what was the point if he never delivered those promises. He feels guilt beyond any measure but his Koutarou was okay with it, he didn’t complain. In fact, he encouraged it. Every single time. And just like always, today too, Akaashi indulges him. He could be selfish one last time.

At some point during the night, both of them doze off in each other’s arms. After an undetermined amount of time, Bokuto’s eyes flutter awake and he feels a comforting weight on his chest. He brushes Akaashi’s black locks delicately, this wakes Akaashi up too. 

“What’s the time?” Akaashi asks groggily.

Bokuto presses a button to unlock his phone. _3:15 a.m._

“Nice wallpaper,” Akaashi remarks. It’s a picture of them from high school. Simpler days. 

Bokuto smiles too, not as bright as before though. Akaashi doesn’t ask why, he knows. Their time together is coming to an end. _45 minutes._

Somehow, every year that they did this, the pain only seemed to get worse. Leaving Bokuto was the worst thing Akaashi had done, even if he couldn’t have prevented it, he blamed himself for it. He wonders if Bokuto secretly does too. 

Either way, Akaashi knew he was hurting Bokuto. Promising to meet him once every year, spending those few hours together only to leave him again. They had been doing this ten years now.

He needed to let Bokuto move on, let him live a life that didn’t revolve around the day where he finally gets to meet his dead soulmate again. He wasn’t going to hold him back anymore. But he wasn’t going to tell Bokuto that. Because he knows that if he does, the other would put up a fight and an upset Bokuto was _very_ hard to say no to. Perhaps, it was time to finally stop. 

“Kiss me?” Akaashi asks. Bokuto doesn’t waste another second before he leans in. His lips aren’t met with lips, it’s just a chilling sensation against them. A phantom kiss. But it’s Akaashi, Bokuto is sure of that and that’s enough, for now. Someday, his lips would reunite with the ones of his lover’s and when that day comes he plans on kissing him for days. But until then, this will do. 

Bokuto feels his cheeks getting damp, he’s crying. It always happened when they said goodbye. “I can’t wait to hold you again, Akaashi,’ Bokuto says as a sad smile shines through the face now streaked with tears. “I’m going to kiss you until you run out of breath, I promise.”

Part of Akaashi is glad he can’t shed tears because if he could, he’d be a sobbing mess. “I’ll take you up on that promise, Bokuto-san.” 

That old name makes Bokuto sob harder. Akaashi always called him that way when he said the things that he meant the most:  
“I’ve loved you for years Bokuto-san.”  
“You’re the only one I want to marry, Bokuto-san.”  
“You’re my soulmate, Bokuto-san.”

_3:55 a.m._ Five minutes left. 

As if Bokuto could sense it, he asks, “You’ll come to visit me next year too, won’t you?”  
Even though Akaashi doesn’t quite have a functioning heart right now, he feels the faint strain in his chest from the question. He nods. _A lie._

It was for the best. Maybe he is the bad guy, the monster that everyone claims he is. He doesn’t want to be but giving Bokuto hope like this….he was doing the right thing, isn’t he supposed to feel better? Yet somehow, he has never found the title of being the monster so fitting as he did in that moment. 

“I’m sorry I left you, Kou.” 

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“Still.” 

Bokuto wipes away his tears. He was wrong earlier, the stars in the sky dulled against the stars he saw in Akaashi’s eyes. He wants to pull Akaashi closer and hold him for a while longer- an hour, a day, a year, an entire lifetime, maybe even more if it was possible. “Next time ‘Kaashi, I’m not letting you go that easy.” 

“Okay,” Akaashi breathes shakily. Next time, he intends to keep all his promises, he intends to stay, he’ll fight everything that comes his way. Next time, Akaashi doesn’t care what hell he has to raise or what heaven he has to bring down, but he will not leave Bokuto. 

_3:59 a.m_ Akaashi looks at Bokuto one last time. His fingers reach up to Bokuto’s eyelids. Bokuto allows him and closes his eyes as the faint touch of his finger’s caress his eyes. 

“I love you, Bokuto Koutarou.”

And just like that the monster that was Akaashi Keiji disappeared and never returned.

**Author's Note:**

> leave comments and kudos if you liked this! come say hi on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/lessgeddit)


End file.
